Week 3: Engaging True Connection
Day 18: Defining Connection
“What makes you feel really connected?” is a question I love to ask married couples. Most of the time, their answers are different. One will say, “I like doing things together” and another will say “I like heart to heart conversation”. Sometimes, one or both spouses cannot even define what makes them feel connected.
If we don’t define connection for ourselves, it is difficult to get there. If I feel connected just by sitting and watching a movie with my spouse, that is great. But if my spouse needs something else to feel connected, then I need to know what that is. I cannot hit a target, if I don’t know what the target is.
Intimacy is not always a matter of spending large amounts of time together. I might feel more connected to my spouse in five minutes of intentional interaction than I do when I spend an entire weekend with him. There is more to connection than just spending time in the same room.
But what is it for you? When do you feel most connected? Here are some possibilities:
When I feel heard, really heard, not just the words I am saying, but what I mean under the words
When I feel noticed, really noticed
When I feel nurtured and cared for
When I feel affirmed and respected
When we have fun together and enjoy life together
When we have real, heart to heart, meaningful conversation
When we are silent together, just knowing we are both at peace in each other’s presence
When I feel physically connected through touch
When I feel that you care about my life because you ask questions and remember important things
When I feel appreciated and valued for who I am
When I feel you value the things that are important to me (even if they are not important to you)
I believe we all have “connection tanks” that are filled and emptied throughout our days. When our connection tanks are low, we tend to not act like ourselves and difficult emotions tend to pervade our lives. When we feel disconnected from those we love, we tend to seek other ways to find fulfillment – not always healthy or helpful ways.
Challenge for Today: Define for yourself what really makes you feel connected to your loved ones. How can you seek to fill your own “connection tank” intentionally? How can you fill the “connection tank” for those you love most?
Author: Janet Hoyt